tErus TeRaNg

semalam ms klua tgk wayang aku dgr lagi lagu ni...

sangat suke lirik lagu ni..
penuh makna

p/s :
Naim, aku tau bile ko bace ni ko mesti akan ckp aku ske lagu2 sedey...and ko mst nk kata lagu yang aku ske ade kaitan ngan aku kan??
tidak sama skali!!!

Jangan pernah kau katakan
Bahawa cintaku terlarang
Karena tak ada yang tahu
Erti cinta sesungguhnya

Cinta datang dari Tuhan
Yang tak mungkin ku hindarkan
Kerana aku manusia
Yang pastinya butuh cinta

Kepadamu aku terus terang
Bahawa aku memang masih sayang
Demi kamu aku relakan perpisahan

Hanya kamu yang aku sayang
Bersamamu jiwaku melayang
Demi kamu aku relakan perpisahan


Perpisahan..

Cinta datang dari Tuhan

Thank you..

He can be discharge today...
Alhamdulillah...
Aku sangat gembira..
wee!

How long does a man live???

how do we measure
the length of a man's life
by number of years?
or what He touched others by??


If truth be told
the measure of life
is gauged by how
we carry him inside


Those who carry 
His essence and pride
receive his gift
Of hope and life


If we have to measure
the length of one's life
He truly lives
When through him, another survives


For it is in his giving
That others receive
A gift so precious
of hope and new life...

headache...

musim cuti sekolah dah tiba
bersusun2 kad jemputan kat umah aku ni..
membe2 pun dh stat anta jmputan
nasib la aku xde ramai sgt kenalan..hehe
(yeke xramai??ke aku yg wat2 xramai..??)
tp skrg ni dh stat rase kehangatan...
soalan2 yang bakal diutarakan...
Ko dh kawen?
Bila nak kawen
Jangan lah memilih sgt...
xcayelah ko single lagi...
ko ni rahsia sgt...

urgh!!!
rase nak gigit2 sume org yang tnye...
aku xpunye jawapan

hakikatnye aku pun dh stat bingung
dulu mase blaja bergila2 bercinta
padahal ranggungjwb ms tu belaja
skrg ni dh terbalik plak
keje keje keje
xpk benda lain
idup aku pun xinvolve org lain dah
so remain single...

Namun dalam kesibukan diri
bukan aku xterpk...
dulu bole la sedapkan diri cakap baru nak stat keje,housemanship
Skrg ni dah ujung housemanship...

huhu...

time will tell??
Oh Allah guide me thru diz...
Kau lebih mengetahui apa yang lebih baik buat ku...

sakit gigi

today i had a bad toothache and headache...and i am onkol today..harap2 hari ini berlalu dgn aman..skt sangat gusi ni.berdenyut2..dh telan ponstan 2 biji tp cm xrelieve je..disbbkan skt sgt aku br terpk nak bace and carik nape bila tumbuh gigi bongsu gigi akan rase skt....
Nasib la sepupu aku dokter gigi..die la penasihat aku...name je aku ni keje kat hospital tp malas n leceh la nak p jmpe dentistry kat sane...
Anyway, memalui pembacaan aku 3rd molar or gog bongsu ni part of gigi kekal yg spatutnye stat tumbuh >17 tahun.tp die ikut variasion la kan...macam aku skrg ni br rase seksanya...member2 aku punye la berlagak and gelakkan aku sbb skt gigi..cet! dalam ati aku dok kate...ko tunggu la giliran ko nnt..tp rupa2nya gigi bongsu keng kadang mmg xtumbuh langsung...ish2!

Bila 3rd molar ni tumbuh kawasan gusi and rahang kat dlm mulut tu sempit..jd gigi bongsu tu tersekat or maybe tumbuh senget disbbkn akar gigi yang senget...so tu la gunanya wat xray...sbb thru xray je nmpk...tp mcm aku ni berbuih mulut spupu aku suruh p wat xray tp aku wat bodo je..haha...

tp gigi bongsu ni tak perlu dicabut keluar daripada rahang if tak menimbulkan rasa sakit. Tapi kadang-kadang ia boleh menghimpit saraf kecil di sekitar rahang sehingga menyebabkan rasa sakit. Rasa sakit itu boleh tersebar ke sekitar bahagian leher dan muka..huhu...xbole lupa la rs sakit ni...


aku dh jd mcm drug abuser...PCM + Ponstan + Celebrex br ilang skt aku nih...
hari2 telan dlm 6-8 ketul pil..kalo xssh gile nak keje especially time onkol nih...


*************************************************************************
Akhirnye setelah hampir 10 hari sakit gigi aku dh baik...tanpa perlu surgeri membetulkan kedudukan gigi or telan antibiotik..sepupu aku kate 1 of other complication adalah 2dary infection...mmg la aku cam ade rs low grade fever + palpable LN tp malsa la nk mkn antibiotik..hehe...

study sket...

dulu ms stud xdela kesah sgt cmne diz op was done..it is too specialty for me..tp since all diz happened aku jadik kesah nak tau..
juz to share...pengalaman live and theoritically
Tuesday ~23/11/10 @ 12 noon 
Abah ditolak masuk dewan bedah..sebak aku tgk mcm mane abah menunjukkan kegagahan diri..dia tersenyum malah siap put thumbs up...huhu...he is strong!
Angiogram was done by Dr. Yang Chin-Huat, Ngeyu
He was once in HSA...
He is soo nice...nampak tegas yet friendly
After telling me the diagnosis we can stil having conversation...he is among those with noble heart..


Surgery was done by Dr. Patrick Leong Kin Seng
He is a person with noble heart 
Penuh dengan kerendahan hati
1st time jumpe dia aku cume kenalkan diri as a houseman...
penuh dgn rasa rendah diri...
tapi dengan harta,pangkat dan kedudukan dia..die xbongkak dan lupa diri
He called me Dr Aishah
sangatla terharu..ssh nak jmp org seperti die di zaman sekarang...
In fact he actually considering to let me in for surgery..
Although it is a chance for me but i dare not to..
it is unethical..i'll b to emotion..


Usual procedure done
Anaesthesia given..
As expected once sedation given BP crash...really crash..
they had to rush for surgery ... 
Pre-op has been decided that the graft will be taken at bilateral saphenous vein since it is tripple vessels disease.and if to take internal mammary aryry wud b difficult in a rush situation like diz..
the surgery was done conventionally -Open heart surgery..
Abah's chest was open with incision over the sternum
Simultaneously, thegreater saphenous vein from abah's leg was harvested bilaterally
Then his heart was connected to the heart lung machine
One by one bypass was done...
He was bleeding...more than usual..as expected coz on admission they hav to give ticlodipine...and he keep on bleeding
prior to surgery 2 pint autologous blood has been taken and reserved
After all the bypass completed, the heart is restarted
Abah's chest was closed
Drainage was also inserted
Noted continous bleeding
Although not as heavy as before but still underrunning
the sternum was stabilized with stainless steel wire suture, and the chest and leg wounds are closed with sutures Surgery finished at ~ 5oopm
When he was sent to ICU -Ventilated and sedated drain still increasing
but diz time slowly...
Sebak menyelubungi suasana...
aku tau mereka semua mengharapkan abah bangun dan bercakap seperti biasa....
Not ventilated and sedated
satu per satu anak2 dan saudara mara dtg menjenguk...aku jelaskan satu persatu...yang mane perlu...
hiba melihat emak teresak2 menangis...
mungkin terlalu terkejut melihat kenyataan...
BP monitor ku lihat decreasing from 99/60 to 80/56....
PR mula tacy...140-150
aku mula risau
He is damn pale
sudah 3rd pint PC masuk
DIVC regime pending...
Dr Patrick juga ade di situ...
tenang sedikit hati ku
die menrangkan aim to keep bp between 80-100 SBP...
Lega sekejap tp ku tahu dia gusar jua andai pendarahan tidak berhenti
Melihat kepada PR yang bertambah tinggi aku tau it is a repond due to blood loss
Ku lihat ade Dopa, Norad, GTN...


Di dalam hati doa ku panjatkan agar semuanya lancar


Alhamdulillah D1 post op bleeding minimally only
Total 6 pint PC, 2 Autologous blood and 1 cycle DIVC regime...


Thank you Allah
Thank you for granting nur and strength to Dr Patrick atau nama islamnya Dr Iskandar...

sekarang ni menunggu abah pulih dan sehat sepenuhnya..
aku tahu abah kuat semnagat...
GANBATE!

HeArTy hEaRTy!!

i had a hectic week...Alhamdulillah I sail thru it..
a week full of emotion
an expected diagnosis but came along unexpected finding
unbearable sadness
most difficult decision
fighting with wat u know and wat u expect wud be
hiding ur true emotion...
miraclelous operation

Syukran jazillah Ya Illahi...
U hav granted us the best..
U lead us to it...

Abah was admitted to Pantai Hospital for stable angina..postcall and i came back noted ECG in hospital Extensive anterolateral MI..He was admitted to ICU..Next day we agreed for angiogram KIV proceed in Pantai Melaka..Hoping it will end there although i do know from ECG it is not that simple..thats for sure..true enuff noted Angiogram severe stenonsis of Right coronary branch, Complete blocked of LAD and stenosis Left main branch and Left circumflex artery..in short heart only recieve <10% blood supply...and the only solution is BYPASS!!
CXR shows pulmonary congestion
I wud say a beautiful xray for final year medical stud exam...very typical!
It is juz like a timebomb..either we loose it later or take the risk for op now and probablity of complicated surgery leading to death as worst outcome..but if we neva try we wud neva know...at least we hav done sumthing..
When the surgery was done i can feel my heart pumping very hard..and at last i cry...after all people calm...i've been keeping it...sbb aku rase kalo aku menangis di saat sumenya bersedih pasti mereka akan lg sedih kerana kenyataan yg sebenar aku lebih mengetahui kebenarannya...aku xmahu mereka mengetahui the worst situation
Alhamdulillah now day 4 in ICU post surgery...abah dah stat soft diet...dah sitting by chair..cume yang merisaukan aku still on IV Dopa 3ml..Nampak abah cengkung...kalo bole aku nak duduk sane je...sampai die sembuh and kua...tp aku jua punye tanggungjawab...doaku sentiasa dipanjatkan untuk kesihatannya...amin!

JB-KL-JB-BP

Sound tiring huh?? but, it is a superb holiday!!!!! love every momemnts with the girls -Nurlaila kamal, farhana shafie, Shuhaidah Anwar, Dyana Razak, Anne M Zakawan, Nurfadhila M Sharef, Intan Mastura, nopi Fizah amer and aqilah baseri hudin..


Walaupun hari terkilan xdpt sleep over cuda's house...tp the hangout togather was fun...good ventilation..sharing and exchanging stories..gossip..and best part is, we alwiz hav each other for ANYTHING..anything emergency, stat or planned..up to extend kemunculan FIONA & SHREK..unexpected and shameful..


Seeing u guys means a lot to me..get to share wat i've been holding inside for sooo long...get to breathe wif clear mind..


here are for u guys :..
Ela
~ serius aku kagum ngan ko....gorgeous + tetap maintain..sporting +supporting+loving husband...u hav everything in life now dear..appreciate it. Thanks to Allah..soon, the baby gonna fullfilled ur life..semuanya tersusun indah oleh ILLAHI...as ur fren i alwiz pray for ur safety, health and happiness..


Anne
~seeing u is like seeing a new u...mmg beza la ko ngan kitorg yg kanak2 riang ria...maksud aku kitorg yg single ni eh...the way u brought urself..and although probably i'm the last to know u r preggy iam still elated bout it...and despite being preggy u still look pretty and stunning! u will soon joining ela..i am so proud of u too..the cute-chubby yet adorable hubby will alwiz be by ur side dear...thank u Allah for granting health, wealth and happiness...


Yan
~i am happy to c the sparkles in ur eyes..the brave and courageous spirit that u've once had 3 years back...and he is WORTH for a husband to b..ur precious heart deserve it..i'm waiting for an invi dear...Fendi, neva ever hurt her coz she had enuff pain..now, i need ur strentgh to wake up..this messy love..


Fadot
~ tahniah yang tak terhingga dr aku...walaupun ko yang kawen ko tetap kepoh and xbenti cakap...harapnyua aman dapat mengemudi bahtera korang dengan bijaksana, adil and saksama...hope our frenship will stay the same mcm mak yong2 tuh...and dear, u look so lovely in the white pink sui...as alwiz, cantek! xsangka percintaan yang bertahun lamanya berakhir dengan indah...


Atork
~ u r alwiz the same...pre or post marriage...hehe..funny, sweet and lovely..deeply sorry for not beeing there..di ingat2 balik aku mmg jahat and kejam...xdpt p ko tunang...xdapat pegi majlis ko ari tuh...i've missed improtant events in ur life...but trust me, how much i wanted to be there...yang paling penting doa aku tak putus untuk kebahaghiaan ko dan fadly...Praying ur cool hubby will remain cool yet best husband ever..baik duniawi dan ukhrawi...


Paa
~ memang aku respect giler ko...still student yet alwiz up to date, maintain...in everyway -socialize, study and relationship...i envy u! Syukur hubungan yang tercipta antara ko and shah kukuh hingga hari ini...i am so happy he alwiz b by ur side..shah yang gila2, sporting nslamber yet smart...paling aku ske sbb shah ske kenakan cuda..jdk aku ske..haha..sket je lagi perjalanan ko..i know u will sail thru it and join us..jgn jadi HO garang cam aku eh..haha...


Nopi
~ kau aku paling jarang jmpe and dengar cite...tp aku tetap sayang ko gak..hehe..amd u changed a lot too...teringat kenangan pakaikan ko make up time qlod kawen..serius aku rindu gurau senda kita time tu..and dont worry dear, ko xtertinggal ape2 gosip bout me..ko bc blog ni sure ko paham kot..kalo xpaham p tanye kat makcik2 kat atas ni sume...aku tunggu nasi minyak ko dulu la..tunggu aku mcm xberpenghujung je..lastly, i;m prouf o u to dear..superb brain!


Cuda
~ bole tak aku xnak tulis ape2 utk ko? ko plg slalu aku jmpe spatutnye..haha..tp sbb ko la yang bx sgt jdk xslalu jmpe..haha...thanx for hearing me much...aku rs ko plg bnyk tgk aku nangus, dgr aku citer...and walaupun berbiuh2 mulut ko ckp aku cam degil gak kan?? and dear, dont worry...for sumone like u a good charming guy will be there...u dont need to go sampai korea nak crk...open up and gives space..mungkin kita xnampak ape yang ade di sekeliling kita..hehe


Qlod
~ mmmmuah! rindu sangat kat ko...raenya xpuas kuci2 mase time ko kwen tuh..and biler tgk berkali2 gmbr ko kawen tuh..OMG! ko ptt jadik model sambilan la..cantek +tinggi and best..u're hubby yang sangatla sporting layan kitorg..Praying his maturity will alwiz lead u guys punye life towards better life dunia dan akhirat...


gosh, diz entry is damn long...baik korang bace!! kalo xbace siap la...and now..i badly missing u guys
That's y i hate post-seeing u guys...


hehe

tItIk nOktah??

meeting old + cool eva girls..all in and out...telinga ni kalo bole amik MC mungkin dh mintak MC..i'm glad i've alwiz hav u guys to shout to, to whisper, to weep with...hehe.and after thinking and thinking i make up my mind...he is not woth waiting or longing for..i think my reasons are good..and i need to list it here so dat each time i'm melting i'll wake up...and open my eyes widely..paa, cuda n yan says i'm too soft-hearted..too weak??

0- islam is the way of life..thank u Allah..alwiz and a must!
1-y do i c u undecided ??
2- u don't seem to hav ultimate end in the relationship  ~marriage~
3- we r directing socializing different way..way too differ..
4- i need sumone to hold on to, to guide me not driving me away...
5- i can't b among ur class...
6- i can't stand too open up relation..

and i hope diz feeling vanished...wipe everything..so dat i cud wake up easily and keep on breezing thru this path...

wHy??

why is this feeling is there?
it is eating me from inside..can't stand it..
tracking back...how do we 1st meet??
y in the first i became comfortable wif u..
y wud i say yes for the trip??
then slowly the bond grow..living in the daily life..
until i can't run away from it..
i realize i already falling into it..
i'm trapped...
then from PRN basis it is BD..then it is TDS..Then it is QID..
Then it becomes a must..seeing whenever there is time..lunch..coffee..dinner and supper..
sumhow from a norm wakie call into early morning conversation
spending time togather..
alwiz being ask to be by his side...~coffee wif madam..seeing gudfren..pick up stuff..packing up stuff..be there whenever gloomy and doomy time..waiting to go back..sharing secrets and spice of life..
sumhow later i know i've been appreciated as sumone important..at least dats wat he said..
He manage to convince me how beautiful love dat time wud be...
and i go wif the flow
Perhaps dat my mistakes.....
Then occasionally we chit chatting between us..hearing each other for hours..without telling anyone..having dinner and few break-fast togather..watching movie..
at dat time i reminded myself not to be too sure...
we neva knew..
but the way u lead me is very confusing...
then there come 'loving heart' between us...
u said it is everything in it..i ask for more details..
ur answer ~everyhting related to it...very vague...how am i supposed to react??
wat am i supposed to take it as ??
the gift was very meaning ful..and it will alwiz be meaningful..forever
and u urself say dat it is very meaningful...
i accept it with open arm dear...
then comes the day u r finally leaving my day....
my daily life...
u'll be faraway from me..
the truth is, i am afraid of losing u!
too afraid......
u convince me..convince us everything wud be da same..i hold onto it...
during the last week..last moment we are here togather i feel elated
feel appreciated
feel ur love...
and i know it is true the day before u leave...
it will forever b our secret...
thereafter....
we alwiz have msgs and morning msgs....
u hav said dat u will neva stopped...
u will neva forget to do it...
but it lasted for not so long..
but it heals well when we see each other to 1 weekend we hav been longing..
i have a wonderful weekend wif u...
it means a lot!
a lot to me...
to us...
the setting...
the place..
the events..
the clothing..
the gifts...
the moments dat we hav...
but y do it ends there???
i'm loosing u bits by bits...
day and nite waiting...
but it seems everything end....
but u said it wasn't so..
then there were everything in between that drive me further way from u.......
i need to choose of my heart or her heart...
but i need u to choose...
my heart or her....
y wud a simple text like 'i miss u' hurt me much.......
y wud a care and loved to her put a deep cut in my heart.....
and she tells me dat a person like me needs u by my side as my mate on the wedding day to boost my self esteem...
is it??
dats wat i am to u?
and u on the other hand when i said u r juz a plus one..
asked me back..is that all...
wats dat about??
and there u are keep on pushing me to bring her to u...
wat game r u playing??
y can't i play along wif u.....
i juz cant't
and dat last time..all i need was a dear too hear me out..soothering me..
not a person whom i'm not sure who u r dat time...
turning all the way to me...
i juz need a shoulder to cry on..
all i ask is to hear me out...
juz as simple as dat...
and u came...
in my heart He knows how glowing my life is.....
but i juz cant shine it out
cant share the light
but i'm hoping u to see thru it...
know from inside
but we failed to communicate.....
worst part things not went well...
but i am not dat cruel
i respect her care and love
and there u goes...all wif her
it hurts me badly when u guys are a match...
maybe it is fated....
then..
everything is towards her....
wat r u trying to say??
can't u see i'm torn???
r u too blind to see??

my Q to u is only one...

If she, she she can c my feeling thru..y cant u??
y r u not giving answer to wat it is

Bleeding LOVE

LOVE ...simple word..but i have difficulty interpreting it...after almost 2 year of emptiness y do i open up to sumone which i know will hav no ends..but this feeling cant be controlled.It is not dat everyday we fall in love..and to me it is not about look..it is how we are connected..u and me..how we feel each other..understanding..but i guess too much time togather, too much open up leading to route dat we wud neva expected...

and i have give in and loosen here and there for diz..

and know i reach an end..i dunno where shud i go...i dunno wat i shud do..

to continue wif sumone like him is almost impossible

He is alwiz with the look, the perception, the up class taste..

Not to be with him is one thing that wud be more realistic..

but now, at this moment it is juz hard to do it..Not after months of things said and done...

But to love everyday with a question mark is sumthing i can't live wif...

and to juz seat and watch as the stories goes i am drowning in my own world...

~edryssa~